Optimus, Ant King
by Carlough
Summary: This lovely crackfic oneshot spins the tale of Optimus and his love for ants, all the while including some of the worst clichés and bad fanfiction skills ever to grace the internet. If it's bad, it probably shows up here. Warning: Your eyes may bleed.


**I am telling you right now, this has no plot. As in, in the beginning there is a semblance of a plot, and then it all goes to hell and plays double-dutch with Hitler, it's that bad. The sign on the door says crack, though, so deal with it. Also, this is a one-shot. That is non-negotiable, so don't even ask.**

**This all started with a line in **_**FutureArmyGirl**_**'s fic "Leaders: Owner's Guide and Maintenance Manual," which said that Optimus Prime could basically lead anything. I built off of that intending to have a semi-cracky plot, and then it all just turned into a story using as many clichés, Transformers based and just in writing as a whole, that I could fit into a one-shot. It is also chalk full of references to "My Immortal," the best worst-fanfiction story ever. If you don't know what it is, type in any of those keywords (My Immortal, fanfiction, Harry Potter, worst ever, or Ebony) to a search engine of your choice and you'll see what I mean.**

**Disclaimer:**** I do not own Transformers or any of its characters, or the menagerie of real life things mentioned or alluded to here. I just own the plot that I pretend this has.**

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"Optimus, what are you doing?" Ratchet asked nervously. After all, it wasn't every day that you found your Prime lying on his abdomen staring at a trail of ants as they entered their hill.

"I am assisting these lovely creatures in their endeavors for survival. Since their queen was killed in a recent flooding of their hill, I have decided to lead them in her absence."

The CMO fingered his favorite wrench, wondering if he would have a chance to use it, only to find that he was actually just feeling up the air, because someone had stolen his wrench.

"What?" he shrieked in an unnaturally high tone; in the distance, Starscream wondered who was doing impressions of him again. Immediately, a culprit for the wrench theft came to mind, or rather a pair of them.

"Twins," he seethed. "Stay here Optimus, and continue your, um, leading. I'll deal with you later, after I eviscerate some Lamborghinis!" Ratchet laughed a loud, devilish, demonic laugh that brought flames from the ground as his optics flashed red. He then promptly ran off in search of the twins.

Behind a tree, Red Alert and Breakdown made plans to run away together to escape Ratchet's mass murdering of all Lamborghinis.

Uncaring about the probable injury of his own soldiers, Optimus continued playing with his ants. "C'mon Martha," he encouraged one of the insects who was carrying a particularly large piece of rotting fruit up the hill. "You're almost there!"

In his efforts to be leaderlier, and frankly just surprised to find that "leaderlier" was actually a word, Optimus nudged Martha from behind to help her up the hill. He only succeeded in squishing her. Frowning at the crunching sound, Optimus wiped his digit on the grass and named the next ant he saw Martha.

"You are such fascinating creatures," he murmured, the sound waves that came from his mouthguard knocking over a fair few of the line and killing some, which were promptly cannibalized by their brethren. Deciding to be more like his new, more manageable faction, Optimus retracted his mouthguard and tried a few. They were oddly crunchy, but with a gooey center.

That made him wonder... If his ant friends cannibalized their own when they died, then should he do the same? It worked for the ants, after all. Hmm... Megatron and Jazz had both been brought back from the dead. Then again, so had he.

With that in mind, Optimus began chewing on his own servos. Hey, he didn't taste half bad!

Ironhide came walking into the clearing, polishing his cannons while he talked to them lovingly. "It's okay babies, Daddy knows you don't like having to shoot those stupid human targets, but Daddy's going to find you something better to blow up, and then it will all be okay..."

It was then that he spotted a giant ant hill. It was the perfect target. He must shoot it.

Optimus, still chewing on his own servo, sat up when he heard the sounds of cannons whirring to life. In his movements, he not only murdered hundreds of his lovely new comrades, but revealed thousands more that were smooshed onto his chassis from when he had lain down. Taking his half-chewed servo from his mouth, he used it to wipe some of the dead ants off of his chassis, looked at them for a klik, shrugged, and then ate them too. They were already dead, after all.

It was then that he noticed Ironhide's cannons aimed at his precious babies. "Noooooo!" he yelled dramatically in slow motion, waving his arms for effect.

Ironhide watched him calmly. "Prime? What did we say about saying things in slow motion?"

"That it's totally awesome and my wonderfully deep voice can totally pull it off, because I can say 'totally' again and again and my fantastic baritone voice still makes this speech sound like a deep, meaningful monologue?"

"Yeah, uh, no. But never mind, 'cause I have a natural formation to destroy."

As if out of nowhere, Hound and Beachcomber appeared.

"You can't!" they exclaimed in tandem. In the storage closet where they were hiding, Sideswipe muttered to Sunstreaker, "Dude, someone's stealing our shtick!"

"And why can't I?" the weapons specialist asked as he continued petting his cannons, which was pretty creepy because they were attached to him, so he was basically feeling himself up.

"Because they're _natural_, man!" Beachcomber said in a calm voice, because even when they're upset, good hippies don't yell. "These ants are part of nature, and if Optimus wants to get in on some ant-love, then I applaud him for it."

"You would throw off an entire ecosystem if you destroyed their home!" Hound threw in. Though Optimus' creepy ant-love really squicked him out to no end. Interfacing with the flora and fauna, that was Beachcomber's thing, not his. No, he like to perve on a particular invisi-spy.

Mirage, invisible on a mission in the depths of the _Nemesis_, froze. _Is someone perving on me?_

Ironhide scoffed. "I think Optimus already killed most of them." The leader looked guiltily at his ant-gut-covered chassis as he continued eating them like they were a handy snack. "I would just be putting the rest of them out of their misery."

"Are they really in misery? Really?" Beachcomber asked in a very serious tone.

"I don't know, does being loved by Optimus make someone miserable?"

"Yes," Elita One, Prowl, Megatron, Starscream, and Ironhide replied at the same time.

Hound looked between the five questioningly.

Said Megatron in a jovial tone, as we all know he's just a happy ball of sunshine underneath all of his evil overlord hatred, "We're five of the most popular Optimus Prime pairings the fandom has! Well, us and vapid unnamed original-but-completely-unoriginal character over there."

Sure enough, off to the side, trying to pet Optimus in a loving way that was really just disturbing, was a femme that kept switching between a human teenage or adult woman with naturally model-like looks to a Cybertronian femme that always lacked the proper kibble for its fifteen fashionable alt modes and had unnaturally colored optics that would never appear in real life.

"It's okay Optimus," she breathed in a husky, lusty voice, throwing her long, flowing, glossy hair over her shoulder, ignoring the fact that she was currently a Cybertronian because she was just so beautiful that it didn't matter if no real femmes had human hair, because she was the gorgeous Stella-Rayne-Starfire-Sapphire-Ebony-Diamond-Emerald-Raven-Mikaela-Mary-Sue, dammit, and no laws of physics and reality were telling her what to do, because she was a bossy tomboy who made her own rules and witty comebacks that were completely uncalled for, but were necessary because she had such a sad, twisted, angsty past and was so remarkably attractive that nobody cared if she walked all over them. **(aN: ANd dont flam her fir dis cuz she hd a hrd life kayz? Is not hr falt.)**

So, back from that foray into the dark, deep depths of the Pits that is Optimus' Mary-Sue lover, Ironhide was still leveling his cannons at Optimus' Ant Hill of Love. Optimus was petting some of his ants, squashing them between his digits as he did so. The entire time, his Mary-Sue lover hung off of his shoulders. She cooed in his audios, "You'll never guess what just happened, Oppy!"

Optimus continued caressing his little minions, completely ignoring his so-called lover who was being stared at angrily by his other five beloved.

"What?" Prowl asked for his leader, who didn't seem inclined to speak anytime soon.

The unstable femme-thing glared at the tactician, but said, "I just wanted to tell MY bondmate that we are having a sparkling. That's right; I AM the ultimate lover of the Prime! And just because my icky fat prego-self was deemed too horrific – and whorific – to set on the public mass, and because I didn't want them looking at me while I was fat – not that I would be, because I'm just so SVELTE AND BEAUTIFUL – my sparkling has already been born! Look at her, she's GORGEOUS like me! And I just know Optimus will be a fantastic father, because he's so strong and leaderly and powerful, and the fandom seems to think he would automatically be GREAT at it! And it's totally okay that I keep using capital letters in the middle of my speech LIKE THIS instead of using italics like a normal person because my past was just so damn sad that I'm allowed to use all human curses and insults even though I'm currently Cybertronian, and I can use run-on sentences that make people's eyes and/or optics bleed and forget that the enter key is my friend because I HAD A TRAGIC AND ANGSTY PAST! BOW TO ME AND TELL ME HOW SORRY YOU FEEL! Tell me I'm pretty. I'm pretty right? Of course I am! TELL ME!1!1!1!"

"Authors everywhere just died," Starscream muttered in his voice that was like a bucket of old, twisted nails on a rusty cheese grater, because everyone loves to play up his voice because it was just _so_ – excuse me, SO scrape-y. Even though it really wasn't _that_ – THAT bad, it still is forever memorized in such a screechy way, because that's how Mary-Sue-femme-thing likes it.

Optimus sighed loudly, once again killing his ant-friends. "I would monologue about all of this, but I just can't find the spark to. But, I will say this, just to tide you all over: Gears is my lovechild with Sludge." Gasps all around. "Yes, I know it seems impossible – there's a timeline, you say, that doesn't follow canon, you say, that's completely gross, you say. Well, life is a gross thing that doesn't follow canon or timelines. Like my OC femme-lover!"

"But...but... We have a sparkling together!" cried the thing. Optimus looked at the abomination that a bad author – excuse me once again, his lovely (read: Mary-Sue) bondmate had created with him, and wondered if maybe she could just reproduce by budding, because that thing looked nothing like him. It didn't even have his shmexxy features that everyone was sure were behind his mask! In truth, he just wore the mouthguard so people couldn't look at his crooked mouth – don't ask, he's sensitive about it.

Otherwise, their child had apparently grown to adult size in the span of a few seconds and was now flirting with everyone present, including Megatron. She must have inherited her mother's personality, because she was expecting them all to fall over in her glory, even her father's "other lovers."

The twins then ran past, Sideswipe waving a wrench in the air victoriously, while Ratchet chased them. But nobody cared, because the author has forgotten about that plot line now and is bored by it, and thus will just pretend it was never there, like all good (read: crappy) writers.

Suddenly Sam appeared with Bumblebee. While Bee kept using random lyrics from songs that authors felt fit the situation, even though they had nothing to do with the actual story and were just instances of the author wanting to go, "I'm so cool, look I listen to all of these awesome bands!11!", Sam stepped out of Bee's alt mode.

Apparently, in his effort to fit the author's, I mean the public's perceptions of cool, he had suddenly become a depressed emo loser who found his solace in girly make-up, the clothing of a child years younger than him, and cutting. Don't forget the cutting, because, ya know, Sam was such a cutter in the movies.

"What happened to you Sam?" asked Jolt, a character who virtually did not exist before Michael Bay raped the canon with one of Soundwave's rape-y tentacle things, which also perfectly exemplified canon rape in their whole creepy-don't-exist-anywhere-else thing.

Sam stared up at the weird 'Bot who barely existed through his large, mascara-and-eyeliner painted raccoon eyes that peered out of his pasty white make-up covered face.

"I suddenly discovered that I think I'm 'goffik,'" he said in a depressing manner. "So suddenly I feel this pressing need to wear monochromatic make-up and black nail polish, skinny-jeans and tight V-neck t-shirts that no male should ever own, and I now have more piercings and tattoos than I do teeth. Oh, and I also have a newfound obsession with crappy vampire romance novels, ahem, _TWILIGHT_, ahem, and I'm in love with girly pop bands who like to think that they're goffik like me. Like MCR! Look at this V-neck t-shirt I have of them. It's my favorite.

"I'm also in love with Tim Burton films, and I shop at way cool stores like Hot Topic where all male protagonists trying not to be mainstream but actually succeeding at being so go to fulfill all of their individualistic punk privileged white-boy needs! Oh, and I also dyed my hair black and got these cool red streaks through it, after I grew it out long enough that it can flow behind me as I ride on my new motorcycle that I have yet I still ride with Bee. And look, my hair has an emo triangle! Because we all know that its canon."

"But Sam, why would you do this?" asked Megatron like a therapist, because deep down he only cared for Sam, and secretly thought that his new look was totally hawtt.

* * *

**Carlough: lolz megzy has teh hotts for samy!**

**minesweeper62: but mezgys MY BFF!**

**C: haha lol but u dont evn like Tf! ****Ur jus hre cuz u lik atenton!**

**M: i stl 3 him moar...**

**C: oh hey evry1 me an my sis were talk whil i wrote dis an we tought u wud tink it was funy to. cuz its always hilrous when ppl talk in eth midle of there stries lik dis an use chat speak cuz their ilitrate**

**M: but i lik it at teh end o teh chappie**

**C: omg rember taht techr we had namd chappie?**

**M: she was n teh mareens wit spammy and shammy! was so funy**

**C: lol ikr? on wit da stry!**

* * *

"Because the shitty author thought it was cool," Sam said.

Gasps were heard all around. Happy Sam-lovin' Megatron asked in a soft, meek voice, "Sam! Why are you cursing so?"

Sam was a little busy slicing his wrists to answer, but he pulled himself away from his cutting to say, "Because the author seems to think it's cool and hardcore for people to swear like drunken sailors, even though it just makes them all sound like pricks."

OC sparkling femme that had grown up immediately was swooning at Sam's depressing, stereotypical demeanor, as was Starscream, because we all know he's a morbid masochist like that, and he's TOTALLY hawtt for Sam. This made Megatron a little jealous, until he decided that he could share Sam with Starscream. They would make an awesome threesome. But those femme-it things were staying far, far away.

None of this had anything to do with Optimus and his ants, but that's okay, because nobody needs plot as long as the story is like, totally awesome. Totally.

So Optimus became the king of the ants, and wore a little crown and cape and all that crap. And because Sam was just SO smexxy now, he got it on with Megatron and Starscream all the time. And the war was over. And, uh...yeah.

Totally.

In other news, Red Alert and Breakdown were very happy together. And Bluestreak did find his sandwich, and the Combaticons were able to save Vortex from the giant evil kittens, and Huffer finally got that s'more he had been waiting for. But just to spite him, it wasn't cooked well enough.

tHe edn.

**M: omg tat was sooooooo funy!**

**C: ikr i shood ttly rite moar stres lik dis an fil da fandm wit dem cuz der sooooo kewl**

**Okay, I want at least 10 reviews for this, and I want them all to say LOLOMGWTFBBQ somewhere in them, or I swear I will cut myself with a colored pencil!**

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**Mmkay, now to the **_**real, **_**I mean REAL end note. I almost died when I had to write all of that bad grammar and spelling – my spellchecker asked me if I wanted to install the Spanish version because the English one couldn't understand anything. Seriously, my sister went through and had to make things worse because she said it was too grammatically correct to be real. By the way, thank you to her for letting me use her penname.**

**Well, it would be nice if you left a review, but you don't have to...then again, there is that colored pencil over there...**


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